If you eat something really spicy and you want to put out the flames immediately, a glass of milk is what you need. If you eat something so ridiculously spicy that it renders your thought processes defunct and you eat spoonfuls of butter, you are in for one Kafka-esque shit sandwich of a ride.

I grilled up a large assortment of vegetables and shrimp for dinner last night and meant to take the left-overs to work for my lunch. In a typical rushed Monday morning, I left my lunch at home. Let me just thank Almighty God right now that this did NOT happen while I was at work. They would have called me an ambulance. No question.

I was looking forward to eating what should have been my lunch. I had a nice chat with my wife while I microwaved the grilled shrimp, black beans, Monterey jack cheese, zucchini, onions, and carrots. In the spirit of full disclosure and also because food related blogging is supposed to be painfully boring, I also toasted three corn tortillas. Let’s not forget the hot peppers. I also heated up some of the hot peppers I roasted on the grill last night.

As far as I can tell, there were no peppers on the three tacos I assembled. The peppers were like a side dish. I was about somewhere in the middle of the second bite of my taco when it dawned on me that it was pretty spicy and that I felt a thin sheen of sweat all over. I made it another two bites or so and that is when I was struck by what can only be described as Food Lightning. It was like being struck in my mouth by lightning.

It was so overwhelming and excruciatingly unpleasant. At this point, most people assume I am talking about the thermonuclear temperatures of the mouth and that would be a logical place to start but it was the entire experience taken together that dwarfs the fact that my face was melting off.

I had never experienced instant-on, head-to-toe sweating before. This was coupled with the toasty warm feeling of a ship’s Battle Stations klaxxon. And by that I mean a sense of malaise. And not the slowed down flu-like malaise. I mean the excited “see them run like pigs from a gun” sort of malaise. This would be a good time to mention that the outside of my lips burned but not in a spicy food way. It felt like an actual or perhaps a caustic burn.

As fun as all of that sounds, I haven’t even mentioned the worst part. The single most awful part of the experience was the unbelievable stomach cramp that pretty much left me in a crumpled heap. The cramping was completely synchronized with the dripping wet hot flashes and the Hell’s Kitchen for a mouth. It hurt so badly I couldn’t even lay down, I had to sit in a semi-upright position. For two and a half hours I just hunched over. I was unable to stand up. At its worst, I imagined that it was precisely what a gunshot to the belly would feel like.

So glad am I to be wrapping up this little essay on paradise without going into details about how much Pepto Bismol I chugged straight from the bottle. And yes, I did eat two spoonfuls of butter. I wish I would have just remembered to drink some milk.

Old School Pepsi

Add a little iPhone app fun and you get the following lame attempt at crossing lo-brow pop art with lo-mob photography filters. Warning: May induce vomiting and Mondrian-like hallucinations.

Forgive Me Warhol and Mondrian

Back to Big Lots!

Since the “Summer of Recovery” is more sizzle than steak, it is time to head back to Big Lots! where seriously cheap (but usually interesting) food can be had.

Canned Mackerel

Gelatinous Fish Parts

Now With Apples

Gorilla Munch

After a trip that took them deep in the the Rwandan jungles, The Envirokidz were met with the plight of the Silver Backed Gorillas and their gluten allergies. Sad gorilla babies living in squalor, surrounded by boxes of Kix and Cheerios as far as the eye could see. The Kidz said, “No more!”

Move over, Purina Monkey Chow! The King of The Apes has a brand new breakfast cereal. For a limited time only, get your Dian Fossey action figures in specially marked boxes.

Gorilla's Choice

Crayons Sports Drink

Knowing that a percentage of “special” kids in the population will always eat Crayons (paste too if they can get their hands on it), clever marketers have created a sports drink for the Ralph Wiggums of the world.

Fortunately, we only see red and green depicted here. Burnt Sienna, a fancy way of saying brown, was simply too revolting to share.

Warning: May Contain Red Dye #5, 6, 9, and 33

Function: Light Weight

Any self-respecting computer programmer wouldn’t be caught dead drinking Crystal Light. Introducing, Function: Light Weight- created by physicians for technicians. Geeks need to look chic too. Am I right, ladies? These fruity little boosts of metabolism can best be expressed in the form of of function.

function LightWeight() {
var supported = ass.reinforced && steel.chair;
if (!supported) return;
// consider joining a gym
var x = body.mass.index('lard');
// seriously, just keep drinking mountain dew and eating slim jims
}
Buy a case today and after you drop all that cottage cheese hanging off your I/O Port, we’ll show you which well drinks work best to remove the pepper spray from your eyes.

All Your Metabolism Are Belong To Us

Essential M

According to the people who make supplements, we’re all not getting enough Vitamin M. Or maybe it was Vitamin B.
I can’t remember. See how deficient I am? According to the Urban Dictionary, Vitamin M is either Motrin, marijuana, money, or mercury (Hg) – the infamous vaccine adulterant.

Whoa. Pass the milk and put on your seat belt.

Essential M Rice Cereal

Jolly Rancher Soda

The bold fruity flavors of Jolly Rancher Candy is now available in a great tasting 20 oz soda in all your favorite flavors: Green Apple, Blue Raspberry, Cinammon Cherry Fire, Watermelon, and Rockin’ Hi-Früktose.

The soda truly smells and tastes like Jolly Rancher Candy. All you have to do is taste it and you’ll be hooked – like a diabetic to insulin. Also available at Dollar General, US Chemical Supply Warehouse, and finer flea markets everywhere.

Warning: Severe Tooth Loss May Occur

Cool Margarita Cocktail

According to the label, you just add tequila and shake. I wonder just how many of us became parents following such sage advice. What’s strange about this product, which appears to be a brand of Big Lots!*, is that it shows a frozen margarita on the label but nowhere on the product is ice even mentioned. How freakin’ cool is that? I don’t know about you, but this cool cat just found a permanent spot in my lunch pail.

So Cool It Doesn't Need Ice

_{* Hey, Big Lots! The Home Depot called and they want you to stop using the 2002 version of their website.}

SEAO₂

It would appear that nobody in the marketing department of this particular product’s maker has ever set foot in a chemistry class. The name is nonsensical at best, and may frighten some of the smarter population into thinking the name of this energy drink starts with Sulphur and ends in Dioxide.

Speaking of frightening, get a load of this:

Ingredients: water, organic agave sweetener, organic inulin fiber, organic natural flavor, citric acid, seaweed extract, ascorbic acid, salt, vitamin B6.

Well, that sounds delish. I have a can right here. Let’s give this a try.

Hmm. The first thing I noticed was the lack of carbonation (aren’t all energy drinks required by law to be carbonated?) and the remarkably spot-on taste of Pez. Overall, not bad. But not worth the $29.99 per 12-pack they are asking for online. (Psst. I just paid $.50 a can for your sea water. Wait. That makes me look bad.)

Refreshing Seawater

Author’s Note: I am not feeling fine after drinking the SEAO2 drink. I mean, the Crayons stuff was like watered down Gatorade and almost pleasant. Right now, I am feeling anxious, shaky and more than strange. Buyer beware.

Red White & Blue Tortillas

Ever wonder what Sarah Palin serves with backyard BBQ? Mystery solved. Blech.

Support Our Troops

EBS MultiComp and EBS Bass IQ

Note: This is the first of two reviews covering EBS Bass Pedals.

My Path To Righteous Compression

The first effects pedal I ever purchased was an Ibanez SoundTank CP5 Compressor. I was in a somewhat serious band and was told by the other members that a compressor pedal was not optional on bass. They were right about the need for compression. I was wrong in my choice of pedal. But at the time, many pedal makers did not exist (1992) and even fewer were made for bass.

SoundTank CP5 Compressor

Fast foward to today and you will find no shortage of bass compression in a pedal format. Still, you might be asking, “What is compression?”

Compression is not considered an effect at all and is rather unsexy in that it doesn’t dramatically change one’s tone like a chorus, flanger or distortion pedal. Instead, compressors even out playing by making the quieter notes louder and the louder notes quieter. This is especially important for bass as loud transient sounds can be murder on some equipment and sound engineers. Compression is particularly useful for bass players employing a slap and pop method of bass playing. In fact, one can even argue that compression defined the sound of 80s slap bass (Hello, Mark King?) that continues to this day.

That’s All Great, How About The MultiComp?

I cannot state enough how much I love the EBS Multi Comp. Of all the outboard gear I have, it is the only pedal that I take everywhere and use in every situation. To better understand the strengths of this pedal, it is important to mention the compressor it replaced – the extraordinary and venerable Electro-Harmonix Black Finger Compressor.

The Black Finger is the closest thing you can get to high-end studio compression in a floor pedal and I wouldn’t hesitate to recommend it to anyone. Unfortunately, there were some trade-offs that left me wanting something different.

Electro-Harmonix Black Finger Compressor

• Huge Pedal – Takes up a lot of room on the pedal board
• Tubes Under Foot – I love the sound of glass but not where I can step on it
• Power Supply – Uses a unique 12VAC/1000mA adapter. Felt like I was plugging in a refrigerator

Can We Get To The MultiComp, Please?

When I came across EBS pedals I was really taken by the design and thoughtful approach to construction – most specifically the small size relative to all other effects pedals. True to the adage that good things come in small packages, EBS pedals are packed with features.

The pedal has not one, but three modes of compression – Tubism, Multi Band, and Normal. Normal mode is the standard compression setting that compresses all frequencies evenly and is basically the same way compression is achieved by the vast majority of pedals on the market. Multi Band is where this pedal really shines and allows for maximum compression to really tighten up your sound. Multi Band splits your signal into two bands of highs and lows, compresses each path separately so that high levels of compression can be applied without introducing compression artifacts. The signal is then recombined before being sent to the pedal’s output jack. Lastly, the Tubism mode uses the standard compression but adds some warmth and tube-like harmonics.

Opening the pedal with a screwdriver reveals the internal trim pots that adjust threshold levels for the high and low bands. This is necessary to boost the sound coming from low-output instruments or to tame particularly hot output instruments. There is also a toggle switch located on the side for Active or Passive Instruments. Handy if you change basses during a set as it will buffer or pad the input from active circuitry.

Bottom Line

This is a very musical compression pedal in that nearly every setting creates warm and beautiful tones. Even highly squashed settings still sound great. This pedal tends to cost more than your average bass compressor, but the extra cost is more than worth it.

I tend to buy American when it comes to musical equipment but the Swedes at EBS just make fantastic products. The controls are remarkably easy to use, compression ratios from 1:1 to 5:1, multiple compression modes, and a tiny footprint make this pedal indispensable.

In 2008, EBS refreshed its Black Label line of pedals with True Bypass. Coupled with new analog circuitry and an additional 3dB of headroom for the Multi Comp make a great pedal even better.

Fulltone Bass Drive MOSFET

Advantages of the 3PDT Switches include:

• Real true bypass – Practically all pedal makers claim true bypass but to quote Fulltone, “99% of all pedals have a crappy buffered output so the pedal’s never really off!”
• Brass actuator rods – Actuator rods are made of plastic. Plastic bends under pressure and eventually the shaft will break or come out of its socket, often at the worst possible moment.
• Bakelite housing – The switch is housed in bakelite which holds up to heat and soldering better than its plastic counterparts.

As far as durability goes, this pedal is just getting started. Fulltone makes their own potentiometers. According to founder, Mike Fuller, the industry standard pots “have a 20% failure rate within 2 years … not acceptable.” To this writer, the installation of the pots is the heart and soul of Fulltone pedals. As demonstrated in this image, the pedals are literally built up around the pots. If only houses had such impressive foundations. I haven’t even mentioned the heavy gauge steel chassis. This pedal will definitely add a bit of weight to your pedal board setup.

Enough of the Construction. How Does it Sound?

I have to admit, I had never heard of Fulltone before I read about Nate Mendel’s (Foo Fighters) touring rig in a Bassplayer Magazine article. Nate’s entire setup including basses and amps was so thoughtfully put together – surely his go-to pedal for grit had to be something special. When my pedal arrived by mail, I was not disappointed.

For me, the pedal’s main feature is that it is like two pedals in one so that I can set two different levels of gain. Since it is true bypass, my clean sound stays clean and strong. Step on the left switch and I can happily apply a mild, slightly gritty sound. Step on the right switch, and it can be as crunchy as thermonuclear powered Cheetos. Unlike most bass distortion pedals, it can distort while maintaining nearly all of the bottom end.

Another feature that I love about the Fulltone Bass Drive is that it can use any Boss-style power supply between 9-18 volts for increased headroom. I used a 9-volt power supply when I first tried it out and was pleased with the sound. I quickly ordered an 18-volt wall wart and was in bliss. The extra voltage really made the midrange overtones come alive.

Bottom Line

Barring the creamy drive of all-tube bass heads, I tend to dislike the driven sound of most every bass amp on the market. But even if the sound is terrific, unless the head has more than one channel, the gain is on all the time. I prefer the flexibility of having multiple gain settings at my feet. Speaking of flexible, I haven’t even mentioned the mini toggle switches that control the clipping modes. You can read about that here.

The pedal’s footprint is a little larger than I would like but I remind myself that it is really two pedals in one. All of the sounds are transparent with huge bottom end. Whereas most bass overdrive kill the booty or sound buzzy or too dark – The Fulltone Bass Drive gets it right.